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A sibling relationship is one of the earliest and longest relationships we have — but explain it to a 7-year-old and a 5-year-old trying to do the same thing at the same time.

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Although this type of family fighting is a headache for parents, research shows that rivalry between siblings can actually be beneficial and can teach children skills such as communication, compromise, and conflict resolution.

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The Cardlike study states, “If sibling rivalry persists into adulthood, there will be a risk of financial, relational, and caregiving rivalry, where rivalry can replace competition for parental attention that occurs in childhood.”

So how can parents protect their children’s relationships while still enjoying the benefits of early dispute resolution while maintaining a harmonious family? (Ha!) There are several things parents can do to manage sibling rivalry.

Your child is committed to equal treatment. “There are three main sources of most sibling rivalry,” says Dr. Donna Housman, founder and CEO of the Housman Institute. “Children feel that they are receiving unequal attention, the degree of feedback and the severity of discipline.” . If your child feels like he’s being picked on for special attention, or if his punishment is harsher than his siblings, expect conflict.

But while kids expect to get their fair share, they don’t want to be seen as copies of each other either. She says, “All children want to feel special and unique, and as their personalities develop, they want to be recognized by their parents as more than a sibling.” Houseman adds. “Most siblings experience some degree of jealousy or rivalry. How parents handle this is the key to how deep and long-lasting the rivalry is.”

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There is no magical age difference that reduces sibling rivalry, and there is no specific age at which it disappears.

You’ve probably heard the “traditional wisdom” of parents that children born too close will be too competitive with each other, and children born too far apart will incur the wrath of adults who are too lonely. .

While plausible it may seem, this wisdom is not supported by research. Instead, each family has its own balance based on the personality makeup of each individual within it, so there are no universal rules. “Siblings close in age can be best friends or enemies, and sometimes these roles can drastically reverse,” says Quirky Kids co-author Dr. Perri Klass of F.A.A.P. “And kids who are more spread out can be a little farther away, but they can have rage.”

Often this rivalry fades over time. Dr. Allyson Holmes-Knight, Clinical Director of Daybreak Health, says, “Typically, in adulthood, sibling relationships become more like friendships.” “Each child was able to develop a unique relationship with each parent and understand the individuality of themselves and others.”

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However, as the study above shows, anger can become an adult if left unchecked. LaNail R. Plummer, Ed.D., CEO of L.C.P.C., says, “How parents interact with each other, individual children, joint children, and siblings will determine how sibling rivalry plays out.” Destructive.” Johns Hopkins University’s Onyx Therapy Group and Assistant Professor and Instructor. “Because our adult relationships often mirror our childhood relationships, parents have the tools and expectations for healthy interactions between siblings and the whole family. The sibling rivalry must be resolved immediately. .”

It creates unnecessary competition and makes them feel less unique. “Don’t use labels when talking about your children.” says Holmes-Knight. “Parents will label their children ‘athletic’ or ‘smart.’ These labels can create separation between siblings.” Even if you don’t blatantly compare yourself to labels, you might consistently praise one child, criticize one child more than another, or pay more attention to the child’s needs and interests.

Instead of confronting each other, try to develop empathy. “Encourage your children to replace themselves.” Houseman says. “Say, ‘Remember when Sarah stopped using paint? How did you feel?’” Complimenting your children also helps each other. This will ensure that all children work on the same team.

Going out alone with your child from time to time keeps your attention and time focused, and tailoring activities to their interests shows that you value their uniqueness. “I think this is a particularly important issue in families where one child needs special attention because of some type of disability or special needs,” said F.A.A.P, MD, Eileen Costello, MD.

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Co-author: “Normally, growing children become aware of this, resent their siblings, blame themselves for that anger, and all kinds of complex emotions can arise. When a child has special needs, parents You have to find a way to give your child a chance.. Pay attention to your parents.”

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It’s often helpful to have your own space that you don’t have to share with your siblings. Housman adds, “Creating a special space, whether on a shelf or in a basket, to help store and protect special items shows that you respect their privacy.”

And in addition to one-on-one time, create moments for the whole family to do fun activities together, such as puzzles, family games, or outings. “It helps create space for everyone in the family when parents can create equal time and space for their children,” says Holmes-Knight. “It’s also really important to give them the opportunity to create positive memories together and build healthy relationships.”

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“Knowing when to intervene is a difficult calculation for parents. Ideally, you want to raise children who can learn to resolve conflicts on their own. In practice, this is very difficult.

First, as a family, we must erect barriers against behavior that will never be tolerated, such as bullying or battery. Get immediate results.

In less conflict cases, parental involvement may be more difficult to understand. Helps understand children’s emotions. “By understanding what is causing the controversy, parents can intervene before the problem escalates.” says Holmes-Knight. “If playing sports is an activity that often leads to fights, parents can closely monitor their children playing and defuse the situation before it gets out of control.”

If tensions rise and intervene is necessary, parents should remain neutral, do not pick sides, and ensure that the outcome is the same for everyone. (“If you can’t play that game, I’ll release it and no one can use it.”)

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After some practice, your children will understand how to solve problems with each other and the wider world, setting the path to better relationships.

. She lives with her husband and her daughter in Brooklyn, where she dominates the sound circuit at local bar nights or tweets about movies.

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